Dear Trolls: I'm Still Here

Being white is weird. And I thought it was time I shared my story of being a disabled, LGBT white femme.

The truth is I grew up in a very dark household. I've seen some pretty bad stuff. Things I wouldn't wish on someone I didn't like.

Being white is even more weird when you live in the United States, especially when you love history.

History isn't here for us to like. If it makes you uncomfortable then you're learning it accurately.

For most of my life I hated being white.

I've always been more of an outcast. I hate following the crowd or doing things "just because".

And one thing I am proud of is my self-awareness.

Because I am going to admit it. I used to be passively racist. And I am not proud of that. It's actually really embarrassing.

Among the dysfunctional things I saw and was told, racism was pretty common. I grew up hearing every racial slur-the n-word no exception.

While I never wished harm on or felt superior to the BIPOC community, naturally some of those things kind of seeped through the cracks. You hear things growing up and you just assume they're okay. You're young, stupid. Don't really realize certain jokes are offensive, and justifiably so.

Then you begin hanging out with BIPOC folk and you're like "Oh shit. This is actually problematic."

And you fix your shit.

I get it. I am just another "Spiritual White Girl™" on the Internet. It leaves room for assumptions.

And while yes I am also a certified shaman I asked my best friend (we are very certain we are connected from past lives) who is Native before I took the training which was taught by an indigenous woman.

I am not here for some cringy, toxic positivity "Jesus solves everything" money scam.

I am here because I want to help other people heal and realize how special their ancestry is. I want everyone to experience the magic I have. I love hearing about people's ancestors.

And when I have helped people find their pre-Christian roots and they get the "So THAT'S why I always liked this thing!" it is the best magic of all. Not because I helped that person, but because they felt that connection.

The reality is most of the people I talk to on a friend/casual/etc. basis are not white.

It was never about "not seeing color". It has always been about knowing and honoring.

And in the United States we have a horrible divide.

For so many years I hated being white, saying "So what is my culture? Being an asshole to everyone? Because I don't want to do that."

It's like I'm too radical to be white, but I'm too white to fit in with minorities.

What we also forget is not every white person was a douchebag.

White people were jerks to each other, too.

In 1200 the Teutonic Knights swept through what would become The Kingdom of Prussia, forcing other white people into Catholicism. While Eastern Slavs are still around, Western Slav culture was pretty much stripped from Poland. That's white people. What about the Nordic, Baltic, and Celtic Pagans? That was even before the Teutonic Knights. More white people.

Our country has us fixated on thinking white people solely are the problem. It makes us divided. And that is how fascist regimes rise to power. That is why they promote ideology that separates us and deplete us of critical thinking.

The problem has always been lack of morals, empathy, and accountability.

I can be proud of my lineage and not be racist. Hell, my DNA carries about 5% South Central Asian and Altiac. I know that's not much, but it's still part of my genetic makeup. For those who don't know, South Central Asian and Altiac aren't something you see pop up in a pedigree of a ton of privileged white men and their wives who are barely a footnote.

But if I were racist I would be a hypocrite. I have ancestors who burned at the stake. White men no less. Their descendants were arrested, fined, and even exiled from the Colonies for their views. If I came from that and decided to see others as inferior who superficial reasons then that would be pretty messed up.

So feel free to judge me based off of a couple blog posts. You say more about yourself and healing you need to do. That being said, MAYBE you should stick around so you can give yourself the chance to heal.

I won't say it isn't hurtful to receive the comments I have. I cheered on my black friends on Juneteenth (mind you I come from the Union- anti-slavery) and advocate for immigrants, much of which is behind closed doors because I don't want social clout for doing what I believe is needed in our society.

My ancestors didn't create this country (which has always been problematic) for its very Constitution to be desecrated by not giving people their due process. Even the Salem Witch Trials (again, primarily WHITE people) had a due process, broken as it was (though our due process today is very broken, too).

Just remember, even us white folk had culture that was ripped away from us. And every time you project your unhealed energy on a white person because they don't fit your image of how every white person should be you inadvertently support fascism.

Fascism thrives on an un-unified and ignorant society.